I enjoy helping old ladies to cross roads, donating huge sums of money to charity and mending little bird’s broken wings. Unfortunately I never get round to doing any of this as I spend far too much time mainlining heroin and beating up small children.

a dating profile found on match.com (approved by the moderators one moment, deleted the next)

Billed as follows:

“Why does the handsome prince in a fairytale never suffer a grisly end, whilst the women get pricked by spindles, gobbled by wolves, poisoned by apples and plonked into barrels full of venemous snakes, worms and toads, often for being too curious!

“Pretty gruesome stuff, yet ironically these are the original tales for children that became sanitised and put into our lady bird books!

There are 100000 extra people in Manchester tonight for the UEFA Cup Final. The drinking began last night, the “fan zones” opened their casks at 10am today. It’s a lovely, sunny day so everyone will be thirsty. By the time the match rolls around this evening, the streets of Mancunia will be running with rivers of piss.

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